And it hits.

I finish an awesome ritual, filled with insights, keenings, one can damn-near hear the footsteps of the Ancestors and spirits near you as if they’re physically next to you, feel their touch against your face… And I conclude the ritual, then look around.

There may not be one person around – but I’m not alone. The bones do speak! I got this from National Geographic (http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2006/09/sonoran-desert/chadwick-text)

There isn’t a damned person around. No, I don’t refer to spirits or Ancestors. There’s no humans, no people. The only one dancing with the spirits out here – was me.

While I am becoming perfectly ok with being a hermit, sometimes – the solitude hits like a ton of bricks. That feeling of being ‘tiny,’ sets in – I know I’m just a blip in the bigger scheme of this world. But that isn’t the entirety of that feeling. It’s the feeling of being the only one around.

After my sister in law moved to Greeley, it seems the well dried up. At least, to my eyes. I haven’t spoken to anyone about Paganism much (the last time has been… I think three weeks is it? Four?), and the sharing of ideas hasn’t happened with anyone since she left. Sometimes, it hits me out here.

Now, I’m not a socialite, that’s all too true. But that doesn’t mean I won’t wander around town on a Solstice, just – being outside in the night air. There isn’t a soul outside, and the mention of ‘Blessed Solstice,’ this year earned me a shit-ton of odd stares, and some of the more knowing individuals gave me a ‘you damned heathen‘ glare.

What happened? I used to practice, well – kinda regularly with other Pagans. But this summer – it was silence. It’s just, it’s so hard to believe where I live in BFE, there’s – no one? Not one? I have to drive 30 min to 1.5 hours to find any Pagans? To attend any festivals it’s looking to be a 2.5 hour to 4 hour drive!

I can’t afford the gas to drive to even Ft. Morgan lately (20ish minutes via interstate), not with the fiasco’s that have happened to us. But I don’t know anyone there besides two people, and with scheduling issues and one’s own life – it’s impossible to get together. Plus, I suck at networking.

So, I’ve slowly been becoming accustomed and contented with just me, myself, and I as the ‘Token Pagan,’ around here as a couple of the residents call me.

So looking at all the joys, the laughter, and the festivals on Google images sucks at times like this. I’m just me, in my bearskin dancing in the wee hours of the morning. Yes, I know I have my Hubs. But – he’s a Jew. Love him as I do, it’s still me out here.

But this is what I get: I don’t belong in a city, I can’t function there properly, and the constant noise and lights don’t allow me to sleep. I am not a herd animal, nor pack animal – I don’t need constant human contact; I end up raw, and even more abrasive not to mention stand-offish. So I live in the boonies. It’s where I belong, and as much as moments like this hit as hard – I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it.

Furthermore, I don’t have much in common with other Pagans, and try as I

Thanks to a Pagan Group from Co Springs’ description of me. Not too far off the mark in reality (metaphorically speaking). Change the apple for a rum glass – and presto! (http://r2000.blogspot.com/2010/11/crone.html)

may to just talk to them – my social skills are little more than primitive. Add in to the fact that I eat meat, drink, smoke, cuss, hunt (with some Pagans I met in Co Springs that didn’t make me an asshole – but a bastard) I uh, tend to have a difficult time at gatherings. I’m gritty, cynical, and practical to the point that annoys many people. After I got described by other Pagans trying to ‘introduce me,’ some time ago – the description I got from Co Springs’ Celtic Pagan group (no, I don’t remember the name at the moment, it’s been four years) even Army Pagans was the photo listed here in the end.

The urge to visit festivals and gatherings may be tiny – but that tiny mouse casts a huge fucking shadow sometimes. I wish there was one Pagan (even I can handle that!) around here to chat with, maybe work together with, and mostly – just to understand and have that understanding.

Hermit or not – one nearby Pagan friend would be damned nice. Just, nice. And – I’d even share my precious rum with them.

 

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7 thoughts on “And it hits.

  1. Have you only been looking at generic neo-pagan groups, or have you looked for, say, heathens as well? I’m just thinking that at the very least, Norse/Heathen/Asatru folks wouldn’t mind the drinking, hunting, meat, cussing. And they tend to be a bit more organized into groups than others. But, maybe none around you, I don’t know.

    FWIW, I do know how you feel. Maybe not quite so fully, as I do have Sannion to do some festivals with, but still the majority of my practice, and almost all my spirit-work, is done alone, and as I said I don’t talk with a single other person here on any kind of regular or intimate basis. Mostly, I’m okay with that, I even prefer it, but sometimes I do wish for kindred spirits. Unfortunately, I am extremely picky about who I’m willing to spend my time with, and so far haven’t found any of those people in this area.

    The answer from the spirits is always the same. I must turn toward Them, always toward Them.

    • I’ve tried them too – but, it makes another sticky situation. I’ve met some gems though – can’t say their all bad. No, I have only met Asatru and other Nordic practitioners in the cities. It’d be nice out here…

      It is too true, my company are the Gods, the Ancestors and Spirits. And, I’m becoming more and more content with that.

  2. Alchemille

    Welcome to my world. Solitude is my heritage or my curse depending on my mood and how I look at it.
    I’m a french expat, my family and few true friends are in France and I’ve been living in the US for 10 years. I’m not a socialite either but I TRIED to make friends here. Pagans or not I tried and it didn’t work (people around here are kind of empty walking shells: the only things they like to talk about are food, work, money, lawyers, shopping and parties). Recently I came to the conclusion that if it didn’t work, it was simply not meant to be and I was wasting my time and energy for people who weren’t worth it and who couldn’t appreciate me for who I am. I’ve been on the path of solitude since my childhood and this solitude has served me well. It made me who I am and has allowed me to become somewhat knowledgeable in many things.
    So cheers to loneliness! (Is there such a thing as a goddess of solitude?)
    —>I can’t wait to get that mirror you made ;).

    • Kudos to you – being partly of French Ancestry myself ;). Your mirror will be shipped tomorrow – I do hope you like it.

  3. dreema

    This. In some circles, the Heathens/Asatru are worse because many of them are reconstructionists – in my experience they were more like what I call “re-enactors” rather than religious, and to even mention a bit of Gods or Woo would have them snorting and rolling their eyes at all that “Wiccan crap” as they call anyone who actually Works with Powers That Be. With this said, there are some cool heathens about…and there happens to be a (very quiet) Bear Tribe of animists near where I live. They exist, they’re just all under the radar it seems.

    In the UK I feel it’s almost worse. There were lots of festivals and rites and things in the States and I felt I could almost always find a really diverse group of people. Here in the UK, if you’re not a Celtic or Druid or part of very Traditional Craft, they have never heard of anything you do, and don’t much care because it’s “foreign”. I also find because I actually really DO work with gods rather than just call them “archetypes” and go through the motions I’m now on a different level than I was before – and the more pagans I meet, the more I realise they’d really shit themselves if their gods actually showed up at a rite.

    I have felt the same and I also live in the sticks, I’m disabled, and the one pagan whom I adored in the area died last year – she tried for aaaaaages to get me to attend one of her sabbats but she was a shit-stirrer and I know she just wanted to see the looks of horror as my voodoo-arse strode into a Stiff-upper-lip Gardnerian Rite! I did go to her funeral dressed in white…and was avoided. That was all I needed to know.

    Personally, people could compare me to the scary witch all they’d like…because it’s true! I call it “Weatherwaxian”. And the good news is, there’s quite a few of us around, doing our own thing. Agreed, it would be nice if there was anyone like me within a 10 mile radius – and in the UK 10 miles may as well be 1,000 – but I suppose what I’ll settle for is “knowing” via the internet, which is certainly better than nothing at all.

    I raise a horn of mead to all the solitaries. Waes hael!

  4. That alone feeling around special times really sucks. Being around Pagan acquaintances who don’t even seem to speak the same language at times is really difficult. Having someone close who not only doesn’t roll their eyes at you but at least speaks some of the same spiritual language…yeah that would be nice. I understand rather well.

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